He loves me? She loves me not? The answer lies beyond Valentine’s Day

03.02.2012 by Marketing Concepts

It’s cheesy. It’s commercial. It’s clichéd. Valentine’s Day is also an important reminder that in all our relationships, the love we feel for one another needs constant and consistent communication through outward expressions and verbalisations of love.

The South African College of Applied Psychology (SACAP), which is at the forefront of higher education in Applied Psychology in SA, stresses that all humans need to be reassured, held and loved attentively.

“Our unique qualities and quirks need positive reflection by another,” explains SACAP educator Carey Bremridge, Counselling Psychologist in Private Practice. “This goes for all our relationships: as parents, partners, siblings or friends.”

Showing love doesn’t need grand gestures. In fact, few adults feel the need to give or receive ostentatiously as proof of love, even on Valentine’s Day.

“Small signs of caring are equally, if not more important, than flamboyant exhibitions,” notes Bremridge. It’s the little things that show our loved-one has been attentive – listening, watching and remembering. “Someone who recalls your favourite colour, or how you like tea, shows loving attentiveness,” says Bremridge. “Buying the standard red roses on the way home is way too easy.”

Grandstanding displays of romance are related to adolescence. It’s a time when self-esteem is often low and the focus on body image often high because of hormonal and physical changes occurring and sexual identity forming.

“Popularity is often the basis of social acceptance at this age,” notes Bremridge.

Bremridge points out that for adolescents, or young adults, self-esteem is frequently dependent on external displays of affirmation and approval. “Research repeatedly shows that in adolescence, acceptance in a peer group rests on sociometric popularity, or popularity as perceived by others.” Acceptance by others is more important than self-acceptance. It follows that romantic popularity is often a measure of social worth, or social standing, for adolescents.

It also means that Valentine’s Day can become a big, nasty popularity contest.

Parents view Valentine’s Day from a more mature perspective, with their own relationships based on deeper needs than popularity. However, parental support is important for children as they travel through the minefield of gender and sexual identity formation.

Bremridge explains that a teen who doesn’t receive a token of love on Valentine’s Day, when their peers are being showered with hearts, can feel isolated, unaccepted and unloved. “This is especially true for the insecurely attached child or individual,” notes Bremridge. “A person’s attachment style may affect the success of his or her future relationships.”

She explains the adult attachment theory of well-respected psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, which describes how people behave in romantic relationships.

There are three different attachment styles: secure, anxious and avoidant.

Two-thirds of the population are secure. The remaining third is divided between avoidant and anxious attachment styles.

A person with a secure attachment style is comfortable being close to others, has fewer insecurities and enjoys expressing and receiving love with ease. “Whether they receive a Valentine’s Day token or not, it won’t make them doubt the security of their relationships,” explains Bremridge. “These folk trust easily, believe in true love, and have the most success in romantic relationships.”

People with an anxious attachment style desperately crave love, but never quite believe the other person loves them enough. They’re often insecure, demanding, and forever need more verbal declarations and displays of love. “They’re at risk of being demanding and needy of partners around Valentine’s Day,” says Bremridge. “Their actions and words continually challenge partners to prove love or fidelity. A partner’s failure to buy a gift, or the right gift, becomes a ‘sign’ that their relationship isn’t secure.”

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style learned from childhood that you can’t turn to other people for love or security, because they never experienced that as children. “These people will likely approach Valentine’s Day cynically. Any gift, no matter how genuinely intended, will be received with a lack of emotion and dismissed as meaningless.” This can be upsetting to partners who thoughtfully chose a special gift or planned a special evening.

Experience affects attachment styles. Parents witnessing their child in distress on Valentine’s Day, should remember that every emotional experience is a teaching opportunity and gift. “A childhood free of disappointments will leave children short of coping skills,” says Bremridge. She urges parents to respond to their child’s emotions of sadness and rejection with empathy, recognising and validating the sad feelings.

Unhelpful statements include: ‘Cheer up’, ‘it’s just a silly Valentine card’, ‘one day when you are older you’ll see’. Instead, Bremridge suggests saying: ‘This must make you feel sad. Come sit with me. We can talk about what happened and how you’re feeling’.

She encourages parents to allow their child to talk and express how they feel. “Try understand the meaning of this in your child’s world, rather than from your adult outlook.” Importantly, says Bremridge, avoid the urge to fix the situation. Don’t give a mini-lecture about how: “we’ll get the orthodontist to fix your teeth” or other ‘solutions’. These suggest the child should be more attractive or charming.

“This is the time to soothe, console and remind your children how lovable they are,” says Bremridge. “Listening this way is a form of counselling. It’s a big part of parenthood. It’s also a way of showing your love.”

Lance Katz, Managing Director of SACAP, explains that humans are the most productive and fulfilled in relationships and community with others. However, these interactions can challenge us, and aren’t always healthy.

He believes that lives can be enriched and society can be enhanced through greater self-understanding and awareness, as well as emotional intelligence in relating to others.

This is where The South African College of Applied Psychology (SACAP) comes in – boosting counselling, coaching and facilitation skills to impact society positively.

Applied Psychology is about how people interact with each other and their community. It looks at what motivates people. It also examines how to deal with individuals in a group or professional setting.

SACAP offers a Diploma in Counselling and Communication with specialisations in counselling, coaching or facilitation. It also offers as a Higher Certificate in Counselling and Communication Skills – an entry-level qualification to develop foundational knowledge and skills. Both are available at its Cape Town and Johannesburg campuses, as well as on a Distance Education study option. SACAP is a fully accredited higher education institution open to matriculants, mature and postgraduate students.

As its name suggests, SACAP focuses on application. Like a university it offers qualifications and provides a strong theoretical underpin. However, SACAP is set apart because it also places a strong emphasis on developing hard skills, and use of these skills in a multitude of real-life settings.

For more information on The South African College of Applied Psychology (SACAP), please visit www.sacap.edu.za or call 0860 77 11 11 or email info@sacap.edu.za